Dementia: How Can Men Prepare for the Role of Caregiver?
By Dan Bulgarelli, Positive Approach to Care Team Member
Man up. Step up to the plate. Rub some dirt on it. Walk it off. Keep a stiff upper lip. Soldier on.
For the majority of men, for the majority of our lives, we have heard platitudes like this. It’s a man’s job to provide for his family. Work hard and bring home the bacon, but let the ladies take care of the house and kids, right? Well, times they are a changin’. When dementia enters the picture, things change even faster.
When I was growing up, I was… what’s the word? Oh yeah, spoiled. First off, I had two amazing parents that for the most part complied with gender norms. My dad was a lawyer and then a judge while my mom stayed home to take care of the kids — and did practically everything for me. In fact, she was just about to get back to work when I came along.
While my parents had a good partnership, they stayed pretty much in their zones with little overlap. My dad was my coach, took me to games, played with me in the pool, and taught me to tell great jokes (at least I think so). My mom, well, she did everything else.
My dad is amazing at doing dad things, but caregiving was never one of them, unless something happened when my mom wasn’t around. He handled whatever it was in the short term and then quickly passed the baton (me) back to my mom.
I mention this only because when a man finds himself in the role of a caregiver for someone living with dementia (or care partner as we say here at Teepa Snow’s Positive Approach to Care) a lifetime of roles and habits can quickly be turned on its head. If a husband is now caring for his wife, a role he probably hasn’t prepared for, things can get overwhelming pretty quickly and there generally isn’t someone to pass that metaphorical baton to.
How Can Men Prepare for the Role of Caregiver?
There are several things you can do to get better at your new role and maintain a life filled with purpose, meaning, and joy. Here is my list and I’ll explain more about each as we move forward:
- Get curious
- Take an honest assessment of yourself and your partner
- Build a team
- Practice
- Know your limits
Get curious about many things you’ve probably never even thought about
Dementia is more than memory loss, but how much more? When you start to learn how dementia is affecting your person, you can start to understand what you’ve already seen, communicate in a way that works for you both, and work together more productively.
What is your partner’s self-care routine? Please pardon my talk of intimate things in a public space, but do you know how your partner showers? What about how they use the toilet? Shaving? For the most part, no matter how close you’ve been, those are things done alone and not really discussed. However, if your partner is needing support, they are going to want to do it how they’ve always done it, not how you do it.
When something new comes up, continue to be curious. Instead of saying, Why did they do that? try saying I wonder why that happened? and see where it takes you.
Think about the two biggest stakeholders, you and your partner
Try putting your hand on your forehead and pull it away as if you are looking at a mirror. Think about your strengths and areas where you can grow. What do you know about this? What skills do you have?
Now flip that same hand around so the back of your hand is facing you. Ask those same questions about your partner. What are their strengths? What are they still able to do either alone or with support? Are they aware of their changes?
The last thing you might do with that hand is stick it straight up in the air and say, I need help. Gaining awareness, knowledge, and skill can help us all, but dementia is too big of a thing to do alone.
Build a team — No man is an island, and no person can do this alone
No matter how much you love someone and how skilled you are, supporting a person living with dementia requires a lot of time and energy. It can be draining mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You need time for you, to recharge, to find joy on your own, to just be you.
People to consider asking for help:
- Who has been in your life that your partner has enjoyed being around?
Having a friend come over to take your partner to lunch, shopping, or just hanging out can be a wonderful break for you, and them! No matter how wonderful you are and how much we love someone, we all can use a break from time to time.
Start early in the progression. It is much harder to add people back into the mix in the later states of dementia, but if the habits start early, it is more comfortable for everyone.
- Who has offered to help with other tasks?
Have you ever heard (or said), I’m happy to help, whatever you need? We’ve all been there, probably on both sides. Create a list of things that have been challenging such as getting groceries, taking care of the lawn, or whatever other stressors you have. Many people, especially men, have trouble asking for help. We have been trained to be stoic, so asking for help can feel like failure or weakness. On the flip side, we love to help others — so why the disconnect? More than likely, people will be happy to help you, otherwise they may even feel hurt that you didn’t ask them for help. Kind of a catch-22, isn’t it?
- Find professionals
Most people want to live the majority of their lives in their house. While some people do like the idea of moving into a senior residence, possibly with care available, the majority want to stay home as long as they can. With the growth of home health agencies, especially those certified in Teepa’s Snow Approach, that is increasingly becoming an option. Finding someone who can come in and support your partner with or without you, can be an incredible investment.
Practice — No matter what you learned to do in your life, it took practice
Learning to walk, talk, ride a bike, throw a ball, fix an engine, fly a plane, or anything else, you were never as good when you started as you became. This is also true for care partnering skills. When you are first gaining Teepa’s awareness, knowledge, and skills you won’t be as skilled as she is. However, the more you work at improving and trying again, the better you’ll become. I can go into the brain science about why, but you don’t need to know all that. If you’re curious, we’ve got plenty of videos on our website, on YouTube, and Amazon.
Know your limits — this may be the hardest one for all of us
You love your partner and you don’t want to be apart. However, you may not be able to provide the support and care they need. Realizing you can’t do it all, finding a place that can provide good care, and creating a space that will allow for the best possible way forward is also a form of caregiving. It isn’t giving up; it is simply choosing the best path.
Conclusion
For many men, caregiving has not been part of their life. However, as we age and dementia becomes more prevalent in our lives, that role may be thrust upon you. Will you step up to the plate to do what you’ve gotta do? Of course, you will, but knowing how to do that can be overwhelming.
I hope these tips have helped you figure out your next step. We are always happy to help in any way we can. Teepa Snow’s Positive Approach to Care offers free consultations and other ways to engage and learn.
Additional Resources
- Free virtual events
- Shop for books, streaming content, DVDs, care partner tools, and more
- Virtual Champion Courses to learn fundamental hands-on skills and techniques
- Care Partner Support Series — A five-week series of live, virtual group meetings that provide you with knowledge, tools, and companionship of others who are on a similar journey as you
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Positive Approach to Care
Positive Approach to Care (PAC), founded by dementia care educator Teepa Snow, offers caregiver education through effective hands-on care skills and techniques.
Interested in learning more? Visit www.teepasnow.com/blog.
